This week: Culd u kill hm plz? $$? kthnx.
Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers. I hope you’re enjoying the holiday with the ones you love, respect and admire. Its one of the only holidays left that hasn’t been subversively mutated into a corporatist marketing ploy. Eat, drink (responsibly) and be thankful… that you don’t know this crazy chick.
Judging by her impressive misuse of English, she’s not the sharpest carving knife in the drawer but still more tech savvy than your creepy uncle-in-law. The interweb promises unrivaled access to information, democratic discourse and abundant free porn but has a darker side. So, after the tryptophan wears thin, whatever you do, don’t go near the interweb.
How does some nutty broad with unlimited texts destroy our way of life? It’s a… wait… are you Tweeting this?
The Romans didn’t fair so well as far as the history books are concerned. They were powerful but became lazy. Their entertainment was brutal and popular. But they could only fit so many into the Colosseum and the peasants had to sit way in back. Those seats were wicked uncomfortable.
We’re richer better younger than they are and will likely fall faster and harder because we have the interweb. Those peasants that once had their asses scraped to bleeding on stone benches and their wrists disfigured with constant thumbs-down-ing are now comfortable in their aged La-Z-Boy recliners.
The interweb is already where people go to push their daughters friends to suicide, commit suicide for an audience or watch YouTube clips of people beating, smashing or abusing each other. The UFC launches a web-only, uncensored spin-off (UFCU) to bypass the FCC, adding more violence.
Other companies make similar moves. New sports spring up, encouraged by YouTube’s new wide format and larger max file size. Under the guise of equal access and cost savings, the Justice Department uses streaming video to broadcast guillotine executions live, at a nominal cost.
Hit men begin using Facebook Connect and other massive pools of data to survey possible clients, cloaked in layers of free email accounts. The market is saturated, per-hit prices fall and most have to close up shop. To fill the void, consumers start buying their own weaponry from online retailers.
Respect for human life drops just below that of handed down place settings. Early it’s the scum of society most affected but soon holding onto your neighbor’s turkey baster is grounds for being stabbed in the shoulder. Flashing a breast still receives an “R” rating from the MPAA.
