Every Week, Ben brings you the creative endeavors that deserve full-screen pixelization.

This week: So You Think You Can…oh, whatever.

“Now Ben,” you say. “Surely you’re not uncouth enough to suggest—in this liberated and forward-thinking forum, no less—that censorship could somehow be beneficial.” I agree, then stab you in the back during a confessional monologue, “When a reality show attempts to pass off rules more ridiculous than those of “Joe Millionaire,” I must regrettably present A Case for Censorship…“

Please listen to this entire video and think about just how truly confusing the rules for that show are. No-one that watches this brand of reality TV would be able to follow them. Okay, go ahead and watch it too, because all the “Wha?” reactions are priceless. “You will be taking one of these ladeeeeeeez home with you!” Skeezy!

It’s obviously too late to mock Hollywood into giving up ridiculous reality television. In fact, I’m not even allowed to mock the genre because my new position in Tinseltown strictly forbids disdain for programs populated by actual people.

What? I didn’t tell you?

I’m leaving the perpetually-dusty, body-warmth-heated, silverfish-infested SD&IF office behind to head up a new Creative Reality Development consultancy in LA. Unfortunately, Tony wouldn’t let me out of the SD&IF Jester contract early and I still owe one “ACfC” column before I jet for more profitable climes. I’m pulling a Stones by releasing my own “Cocksucker Blues” and deigning to give the unwashed masses a peek at a few of the reality show concepts I’ll be pitching as midsummer replacements.

• Celebrity Deadliest Catch
  10 to 12 B- or C-list* personalities (Used loosely! Am I right?! High five!) battle to remain the “last one standing” after a grueling month-long hitch on an Alaskan crab-fishing boat. Crippling exhaustion, deadly, freezing seas and wacky immunity competitions lurk around every wave! I would actually watch and enjoy this more than the real Deadliest Catch. No joke. Wouldn’t you? Let’s move on.
  *Dependent on level of insurance received
• Laguna Real Hills World: Beach
  Admit it, the first run of the Real World is over. It’s been conclusively demonstrated that this vaunted original is now just a place to develop your archetype in preparation for a rewarding reality career—current cast members openly reference previous (Not even classic! Recent!) cast members, cities are receiving second visits while Minneapolis sits like Michael Anthony waiting for that apology call and a 20th anniversary awards show bludgeoned what fun history the show actually accumulated. Plus, it’s been overshadowed by newer, realer properties focused on documenting idiots in their natural habitats. Why waste valuable money on gigantic-house rent, phony job assignments and extra camera crews? Give up the pretense that any of these shows are actually real and make them all realer than realer! Put the Real World cast up with the kids from Laguna Beach, give everyone a job at Teen Vogue or a LB coffee shop, sit back and watch the ratings roll in.
  Note: Expert age-of-consent law squad recommended, additional to budget
• America’s Next Top Reality Show
  A gaggle of former true-life-TV contestants pair off with pasty media critics, bloggers and Writers Guild members to complete a series of Apprentice-style challenges for the opportunity to develop their own reality vehicle for the CW.
  Secret spice: each episode, the contestants who produce the most considerate, innovative, well-thought-out ideas will be voted off and forced to exit the set through a shower of room temperature franks ‘n beans.