Every week, Ben brings you the creative endeavors that even Body Count would try to kill.

This week: It feels so good.

“Now Ben,” you say. “Surely you’re not uncouth enough to suggest—in this liberated and forward-thinking forum, no less—that censorship could somehow be beneficial.” I embrace you warmly for the first time in what feels like ages, “When I’m physically frightened by the prospect of a musical reunion, I must regrettably present A Case for Censorship…“

This baseball season is going to be awesome. I’m super pumped! The Twins just won their first World Series and I got to meet the whole team down at spring training! Go Kirby! I’m getting ready to go to Disneyland this summer and I’m kinda jazzed about seeing Captain EO. Who’s that strange dude that appears to be the star? He sure seems to love entertaining kids. If he keeps this up, he’ll go far.

OW! What the fuck? Don’t slap me, ya testicle!

What’s that you say? It’s not 1988? It’s actually 20 useless years later? Well then, how the hell do you explain THIS? The New Kids on the Block are reuniting? And not just for a money-grabbing tour? They are seriously, possibly, maybe considering an actual release? Sweet holy god.

A rock ‘n’ roll reunion is a tricky thing to pull off. You will be roundly mocked and quite possibly killed if you do not adequately fulfill a few simple conditions. Here are the pieces you will need to assemble if you recently woke up in a hot tub with a friendly “former model” after a four-day Beamfest and thought, “Hey, I could turn this all around if I got the band back together!”:

1. A Good Reason
   Extreme irrelevance and “we’re broke” may be the actual reasons, but keep those to yourself. New material doesn’t count. DO NOT release new material unless your supporting tour is sponsored by American Urinal Cakes or Consolidated Plastics (providing the finest arena drinkware since 1934). Public outcry is not an acceptable excuse (see number 2). Find a random anniversary, genre-celebrating festival or like-minded partner and exploit away.
   Case-in-point: Rocklahoma is pure genius. I think there’s a shadowy secret cabal of 80s metal superstars that put that thing together to ensure they can always come back one more time without explanation. Chuck K will tell you: 80s metal guys are the unchallenged self-promo lords of rock ‘n’ roll.
2. Demand and Intrigue
   Rock stars are inherently theatrical but they always seem to overlook this ingredient. You need at least a little fan demand, so be honest, dig it up, use it wisely and make it grow—find the insane superfan message board, check overseas, even create it yourselves. Demand can back up the first requirement, but it won’t stand on its own unless you’re KISS (you are not).
   Current master: Sly Stone
3. Sense of Your Own Utility
   Realize that people will come just for the jokes. Realize that drunken men wearing khakis and polo shirts will attempt to impress their wives by repeatedly requesting your only hit. Stay cool, put on a good show and wrap the whole shebang up before they even know you’re gone. Do this correctly and leave the door open for another go-round after your second divorces, or whatever.
   Why this is important: Creedence Clearwater Revisited, John Kay and Steppenwolf, Doors of the 21st Century, The Dead

Theoretically, you could put this all together in one press conference or Rolling Stone feature:
“We started jamming again after I bumped into [other founding member] at [new hip spot near where you got your break] and realized it was [number of years, round] since [band milestone]. The guys from [similar group from your heyday] told us they were already scheduled for [large event], so we decided to give it one more shot. For the fans.”

What does this all mean for you, the aging rock star? Following these simple guidelines can ensure your reunions are always relevant, mostly successful and rarely tragic (culturally). Be creative—depending on your stature (basically 2+3), these rules can be bent and tweaked. The Eagles always nail 2 & 3, so they can skip 1. Zeppelin could have ignored all three, instead chose to execute each perfectly, ended up with the best reunion ever and ensured that any subsequent return would be bigger than Easter.

Careful, though—playing fast and loose in this area can leave the prospect of future endeavors extremely thin. As far as I can tell, The Police concentrated on 2, presenting a series of rabidly-anticipated, financially-successful concerts that made everyone think, “I never want to see, hear or be reminded of The Police ever again.”